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Already a nervous and socially awkward person, the prospect of hitting the town with my friends for my first legal night of drinking was both slightly exciting, and simultaneously terrifying. Despite my high expectations, my night out turned out to be a retrospective disaster.
One day this will be a humorous tale, but for now I’ll view it as a warning from the Gods of the immorality of alcohol.
Lets start with all of the awkward bumping into of school friends I thought I got rid of when I got my A-level results- Don’t get me wrong, seeing the majority was brilliant; But then of course there were the ones that you’ve held a personal vendetta against, for no other reason than their aura of arrogance. The ones that when you see, you immediately stop dancing and face off like cowboys in a western.
I’m not a big drinker, and this night was no different. I stuck to my watered down vodka drink, while I was surrounded by people chugging pints and literally becoming drunken idiots that trod on your sober feet.
And you may be asking yourself, ‘where are all of the photos of this glorious night?-It sounds funny, and I want to laugh at you’.
I’m glad you asked- because despite my caution and vigilance my Iphone is lost presumed to be stolen.
At this stage my feet hurt like crazy, but I remained jolly having as much fun as my swollen feet would allow, as I silently seethed at the loss of my phone, with the prospect of staying here for another hour atleast looming over my head.
And then in come the perverts…
I am not in the mood for you to throw me about the room,and I’m new to this so I haven’t quite learned how to shake you off yet, due to my fear of being rude. My friends saved me pulling away from your clingy hands into the solitude of the bathroom.
And then the finale- The “cheese burger” that turned to glue when you chewed it, rendering it completely inedible for humans- or animals for that matter.
At home, I was nauseous for all of the wrong reasons. I peeled off my heels, dropped my bag to the floor and fell into bed at 4am utterly exhausted- But did sleep find me? Nope. I lay there staring at the celing until 6am anger and embarrasment exhuming from my body, as I thought about my missing phone, and thinking of what I would say if i met the one who stole it.
“Hey… yeah you! You’re mean!” (Thats literally the best I could come up with)
So what have we learned from this tale?
1. Never buy a burger from a burger bar with no Que…. especially if it only costs £2.50
2. Keep your friends close, but your iPhone closer.
3. High heels are the inventions of the devil.

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