What The F*** Did I Just Read?


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There comes a time in everyone’s life where they ask themselves- what on earth am I reading? I’m taking a world literature course at university, which basically allows you to study writing from different cultures, and different time periods. If you hadn’t already guessed, I’ve had many ‘What the fuck am I reading?’ moments in the four short weeks I have studied the course.
Some books include ‘Journey to the West’- the story of an overconfident monkey who takes a piss on Buddha’s fingers. Not forgetting Franz Kafka’s epic ‘The Metamorphosis’ where a man turns in to a giant beetle, and is only concerned about how he’s going to get to work.
So far, all stories have been interesting to say the least. You may then be wondering where this post is going… can you really get any stranger than monkey relieving himself on a Gods fingers?
Apparently, yes- Yes you can.
If you’ve never read ‘Gargantua and Pantagruel’- good- don’t!
Tired from the hefty university workload, it is already difficult enough to untangle the old words and keep my eyes open for the seemingly never ending lists of objects in the story- but what makes reading this so much more difficult, is the random and inexplicable events that occur.
So far, a woman has taken a dump in a midwifes hand mistaking it for a baby- naturally- this baby (who is incidentally a giant) is then born from her ear.
The point at which I stopped reading, is shortly after a chapter which is all about the best material to wipe one’s bottom with, followed by a song entitled ‘In shitting’…
All the while I read on with morbid curiosity, with the terrifying thought that i would one day be tested on this entering my mind. How many different interpretations of shit can one give? Like… literally.
I think I’ve procrastinated for long enough… I’ve got around 6 chapter left to read! I’m terrified to see what else comes from these giants orifices.
Wish me luck!

Thoughts On Being A Fresher.


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I don’t really have much to say, but thought I should document this monumental time in my life, and this is probably the last spare hour I will have this week!
I’ve had such a great time so far and as of yet, I am not home sick- although I miss my dog so much. Is that bad? Missing your dog over family? Probably, but there you have it.
So far I have dressed up as wonder woman and hit the town of Lancaster, which was slightly awkward because I was only one of a handful who made an effort- bit embarrassing.
I’ve also been to a flat party, which was hot, cramped but surprisingly fun.
I’ve met the most interesting people from all over the world (I was slightly disappointed to find out that Canadians don’t actually say ‘eh’ after they ask a question!) and I have gotten lost more times than I can count.
P.s. If you’re a bit awkward like me, who blushes when they speak to a stranger, you’re going to look like a blushing fool with possible sunburn for the rest of your university life… such fun!
Signing out now, because I’m being called to do a sports day!

Don’t Blame The Offender!


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It’s not my fault- It’s yours.
It’s a dog-eat-dog-world where only the cunning, slime-balls and sneaks can survive.
It’s your fault really.
I say it, your family says and society says it-
I exploit the stupid and you should have been more careful.
Had your purse been more secure- If you had only kept your expensive possesions in a zipped pocket, my hand wouldn’t have so easily grasped the money and the phone quite so easily.
I’m just doing my job- teaching you a valuable life lesson, so you’ll be more careful in the future.
There are some real low-life scumbags out there after all.
It’s all you! How can you blame me?
You left your door unlocked…
And how can I resist the sizzling money-bank temptation in the form of a laptop- in plain view of the window?
And you’re mad at me?
Even the police know it’s all your fault!
They won’t look for me- they won’t even bother, because they know I’m too far gone.
Too clever.
And your insurance won’t cover it because you committed a social sin!
You left the door unlocked… your own door… your own house door- unthinkable
Are you starting to see?
Who is to blame?
It can’t be me!
You were asking for it.
No-one wears a dress that short, or lips that red, if they aren’t looking for that one thing.
We both know what you wanted…
Now you’re a lesson. A screaming lesson to the world, about the dangers of the night.
Obviously society needs to change- not me!
And people like you are the root of the problem.
Who are you- a single, vulnerable woman- to walk alone after 9pm?
I own the night. I make the rules… and you’ve missed your curfew.
It’s all you!
You need to be safer.
More vigilant.
More wary.
Less cocky…
I can stay just as I am, because that’s what’s expected!
And you want to blame me?
To blame the offender?
I think the world’s gone mad…

One Lovely Blog Award!


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I logged onto WordPress to find that Justine and APromptReply had nominated me for the ‘One Lovely Blog award.
One lovely blog award
I love their blogs, and I am warmed and honoured by their appreciation. Thank you guys! If you haven’t already, you should check out their blogs from the links below.


And now for the rules of the nomination…T here is only one rule- there are no rules!

That’s a lie… There are actually 5 rules, and they’re listed below!

Award Rules
1. You must thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog.

2. You must list the rules.

3. You must add 7 facts about yourself.

4. You must nominate 15 other bloggers and comment on one of their posts to let them know they have been nominated.

5. You must display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.

So now the formalities are over with, here are seven facts about me!

1) I am Lady Godiva!
Yep… staring off with a banger! For those of you unfamiliar, Lady Godiva is a historic figure of the city of Coventry in England. She is famed for riding naked through the city on Horseback and she is also the subject of Alfred Tennyson’s poem ‘Godiva’.
And yes… I once posed as lady Godiva for a charity event called ‘GISHWHES’.
It was just as humiliating as it looks… especially under the scrutinising eye of the little girl.
2) I have a slight obsession with horror films…
You name it, I’ve seen it. I’ve been a horror film fanatic ever since a really young age… I’m talking single digits! I remember watching ‘The Exorcist’ when I was around 7 and thinking that it wasn’t the slightest bit scary.
I’ve seen the best and the worst! My favourite has to be ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’. The worst is surprisingly difficult, considering there are so many of them… perhaps ‘Cassadaga’- Where a cross dressing man who ‘dismembers’ himself (yep) removes all the joints from a woman’s body and turns her into a doll. Fun times!
3) My blog name was originally going to be ‘Writersblog’
You know? Like Writers block? Get it? Well, it was taken anyway. It literally took me an hour to find a name (and I tried some weird names!) Until I finally settled on Curlysblog, because my hair is unmanageable and I didn’t have a specific writing niche at the time. I want to change it, because it sounds too much like a beauty bloggers name which is far from my style of writing. Any ideas?
4) I am incapable of thinking before I speak.
Look up ‘verbal diarrhoea’ in the dictionary, and you would find my picture. I could literally write a whole blog post on my verbal inadequacy (and maybe I will…)
Examples include the time I panicked after being asked to say something interesting about myself and I said:
“I have two dogs- well actually I only have one now, because the other one died. So I have one dog”
Never has silence lingered for so long as everyone stared at me, wondering if they should section me or not.
Another teaser of my embarrassing life comes from when I laughed at my friend for changing her profile picture to a man (thinking her facebook had been hacked).
To which she replied “That is my dad… he just died”.
Everyone in the group fell silent and bowed their heads. Once again, panic overcame me and I just dug myself deeper into the hole of her anger as my reply was:
“Oh… Well I like your dress”
That’s an embarrassing enough retort, but it was made worse by her icy response that dripped with venom.
“It’s not a dress… it’s a skirt”
The silence was int the room was deafening.
5) Being pooped on by a bird… many times.
I have been pooped on by a bird at least 5 times in my life- maybe more, I’ve lost count. That must be a world record or something right? And don’t tell me that it’s meant to be lucky! All notion of that theory is irradicated when you read fact number 4.
Pigeons have a vendetta against me…
6) I’m a little bit of a collector
Now don’t get me wrong! I’m not one of those hoarders with a house that is smothered with poodle ornaments, or parts of old cars… but I like collecting interesting looking things.
Examples include my array ‘Converse All Stars’
Photo on 20-09-2014 at 13.38

I’m even starting to collect unique 50p pieces, including some made especially for the 2012 olympics!
Photo on 20-09-2014 at 13.42
7) I love reading and writing!
If you’ve read some of my blogs before, you will already (hopefully) know this. I just love words, and the form they take when strung together. I love reading and writing so much, that I’m taking English Literature with Creative writing at university- which I start next week (very exciting!)
My favourite novel is ‘A Clockwork Orange’ (why am I such a twisted human being?) and my favourite form of writing is Prose fiction. I actually plan to create a ‘sub-blog’ (I couldn’t think of the correct word) especially for creative writing, so keep your eyes peeled… like Alex in ‘A Clockwork Orange’.

And now for the 15 nominations! I have chosen these people, because I have loved their unique blogs. They have made me laugh, and even ponder the meaning of life at times- they are truly lovely bloggers!


I hope you accept the nomination, as I can’t wait to find out more about you lovely people!


Reflections From My First Night On The Town…


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Already a nervous and socially awkward person, the prospect of hitting the town with my friends for my first legal night of drinking was both slightly exciting, and simultaneously terrifying. Despite my high expectations, my night out turned out to be a retrospective disaster.
One day this will be a humorous tale, but for now I’ll view it as a warning from the Gods of the immorality of alcohol.
Lets start with all of the awkward bumping into of school friends I thought I got rid of when I got my A-level results- Don’t get me wrong, seeing the majority was brilliant; But then of course there were the ones that you’ve held a personal vendetta against, for no other reason than their aura of arrogance. The ones that when you see, you immediately stop dancing and face off like cowboys in a western.
I’m not a big drinker, and this night was no different. I stuck to my watered down vodka drink, while I was surrounded by people chugging pints and literally becoming drunken idiots that trod on your sober feet.
And you may be asking yourself, ‘where are all of the photos of this glorious night?-It sounds funny, and I want to laugh at you’.
I’m glad you asked- because despite my caution and vigilance my Iphone is lost presumed to be stolen.
At this stage my feet hurt like crazy, but I remained jolly having as much fun as my swollen feet would allow, as I silently seethed at the loss of my phone, with the prospect of staying here for another hour atleast looming over my head.
And then in come the perverts…
I am not in the mood for you to throw me about the room,and I’m new to this so I haven’t quite learned how to shake you off yet, due to my fear of being rude. My friends saved me pulling away from your clingy hands into the solitude of the bathroom.
And then the finale- The “cheese burger” that turned to glue when you chewed it, rendering it completely inedible for humans- or animals for that matter.
At home, I was nauseous for all of the wrong reasons. I peeled off my heels, dropped my bag to the floor and fell into bed at 4am utterly exhausted- But did sleep find me? Nope. I lay there staring at the celing until 6am anger and embarrasment exhuming from my body, as I thought about my missing phone, and thinking of what I would say if i met the one who stole it.
“Hey… yeah you! You’re mean!” (Thats literally the best I could come up with)
So what have we learned from this tale?
1. Never buy a burger from a burger bar with no Que…. especially if it only costs £2.50
2. Keep your friends close, but your iPhone closer.
3. High heels are the inventions of the devil.

My (Morbid) Thoughts On ‘Charity’…


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Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you must have seen friends, family and celebrities partaking in the viral phenomenon that is the ‘ice bucket challenge’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of ‘those’ ranters who protest their hate for the challenge claiming that it ‘wastes too much water’ or doesn’t truly make a difference in the world; I have even took on the challenge for myself. However, it seems to have evolved into ‘a bit of fun’ rather than to raise money for the ALS charity.
The viral challenge has opened my eyes to the general concept of ‘charity’. As my thoughts deepened, I was actually rather sickened by the fact that as a race, we often have to get something in return in order to give to charity.
It seems to me that people are giving to the ALS charity without truly knowing what the illness is; I myself am not exempt from this accusation, donating money to fund for an illness which at the time this is all I knew:
1. It effects the brain.
2. Stephen Hawking has ALS
3. It prevents all bodily motor functions.
After the feeling of shame washed away, I began research and only then did I truly realise what a debilitating disease it truly is. It turns out that independent life is impossible after diagnosis, and the average life expectancy after diagnosis is 2-5 years. This makes Stephen Hawking truly remarkable as he is 72 years old. It is an absolutely life changing disease that can effect any family member with the gene.
Then my morbid brain questioned further, and I began to think about the other charity organisations which fund for equally terrible illnesses such as alzheimer’s, parkinsons, malignant cancer, cystic fibrosis… the list goes on. Where is their funding?
And then my brain took a turn into Tim Burton land, and it began to get truly dark. The ice bucket challenge demonstrates the selfish nature of humans, who only donate for the fun ‘dumping of ice’- indeed with most popular charity events there is also the element of selfishness. We have red nose day in the UK in which we purchase red noses, and wear silly tops while watching celebrities make fools of themselves on TV- We raise millions of pounds on this day, yet once again would we have raised this if we weren’t entertained?
And then there’s the sucker punch of a question that is on everybody’s lips.
Where does all of the charity money go? Millions each year every year is given to the charity, yet still we see the pictures of dying mosquito bitten African children. So far almost $90 million has been raised for the ALS motor neurone disease, and that’s brilliant. Yet the cynical part of my brains which has analysed the insatiable greed of the human race must question if the whole $90 million will go to the ALS charity, or in the back pocket of the ‘middle man’.

If you want you can donate to the ALS charity by texting ICED55 to 70070- but don’t forget that other charities exist that need donations, like these bad boys!
Cystic fibrosis- https://www.cysticfibrosis.org.uk/get-involved/ways-to-donate/online-donation
Cancer- http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/support-us/donate
Alzheimers society- http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/donate
Schizophrenia- https://www.imhro.org/get-involved/donate-schizophrenia-research-help-people-schizophrenia
Polio- http://www.endpolio.org
Muscular dystrophy- https://www2.muscular-dystrophy.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=241&__utma=72262927.1157462188.1409243085.1409243085.1409243085.1&__utmb=72262927.1.10.1409243085&__utmc=72262927&__utmx=-&__utmz=72262927.1409243085.1.1.utmcsr=google|utmccn=(organic)|utmcmd=organic|utmctr=(not%20provided)&__utmv=-&__utmk=196190506


Letter to my 18 year old self.

Dear age 18,
You know I’m not good with birthdays and you are a particularly daunting one. I’m writing in the hope that you will go easy on me this year, and not thrust every ‘grown up’ responsibility into my lap that being 18 is said to bring; setting up a bank account was hard enough!
Being 18 is society’s way of calling me an adult, despite how immature I feel inside… I still laugh at poop jokes for goodness sake!
Some people tell me that you gave them the best year of their life. They could -legally- consume alcohol, and watch all the horror movies at the cinema. With you we can vote, and go to university too.
Then whats the issue!?
The truth is, I don’t really want you to visit me tomorrow. Not for myself, but for my mother who keeps on crying saying that ‘her youngest baby has grown up’and because you aren’t a real physical being, I feel very responsible for her tears.
One thing is for sure, you must be nicer than 17- He was a real jerk!.
I guess I’ll see you tomorrow 18. If I get drunk, you’re to blame!
All of my -dubious- love
P.S Bring play-doh
P.P.S don’t say I’m too old for play-doh… just bring it.

Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice (AKA The abomination)


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Hollywood- I’m not mad, I’m just really disappointed.
It seems the rumours are true, and you have run out of ideas, so much so you continue to butcher the superhero franchise beyond recognition. First there was the abysmal ‘Green Lantern’ then the not-quite-so-bad-but-still-rubbish ‘Captain America’ and now this!?
I draw the line at hero on hero violence. Social media is buzzing with the news, and proclaiming their excitement of the announcement. Am I the only one who is covering their face, and crying a little for you?
I can already predict the whole plot- Batman and Superman begin as enemies who eventually ‘talk it out’ and form and alliance to defeat evil. The movie will end with an ominous hint to a further ‘Justice league’ movie.
Who else can ignore the fact that this is a very unfair fight. Despite being a skilled badass, Batman is still human (albeit a human who is handy with a grapple and a cloak). On the other end of the spectrum, we have an alien with pretty much every power you could want including: unlimited flight,super-strength, super-speed, invulnerability,x-ray vision, telescopic vision, heat vision, microscopic vision, super-hearing, super-breath,
super-ventriloquism, super-intelligence
Good luck Bats- the powerless superhero, who is against every kind of murder. Have you got any kryptonite hiding in your belt by any chance? No? Oh dear…
I’m aware that I’m being very judgemental, slating a movie that hasn’t even been released in the cinema yet. I’ll reserve complete judgement until I see the movie- but first impressions are important, and the concept of a hero fighting a hero does not make a good impression on me.
There are some ideas you can work with and reinvent, and there are others you just have to scrap and bury deep (deep deep deep) down in the grave of bad ideas.
Sorry Hollywood, but someone had to say it.

My Creative ‘Eureka’ Moment.

Last night I had what I thought was a creative ‘eureka’ moment. I had a vivid dream that that I thought was a great idea for a young adult novel. As soon as I awoke, I had a buzz of excitement in the pit of my stomach at the ‘amazing’ dream I had.
I remember thinking: ‘This will be a huge seller, I can tell!’ as I scribbled the dream down in the hazy 5am light, hoping I could read when it came to writing this ‘brilliant’ novel.
Well of course, you know where this is going.
The idea would never be a best seller. At best, if it ever were to be published, it would end up in the bargain bins in those ‘jumble-sale-esque’ shops. It was so bad, that when I re-read it, I was doubled over laughing wondering how deluded a person can be when they have just woken up.
I bet the suspense is killing you, so here it is! My ground-breaking, best selling, mind blowing story idea!

Cant read it? I couldn’t either. After many minutes of staring and ‘what the hell?’-ing, Here is a translation of what (I think) I wrote:

‘Adam and Eve and apples. Set in modern day where Adam and Eve are sent to purgatory by God. Last warning of the apocalypse, where they collect apples or everyone dies.
Like ‘The Running Man’. He chases them and is surrounded by lazers.
A Hobo is disguised as the devil. Devil represents evil humanity.’

Somehow, my brain had merged the Bible, a video game, and the movie ‘The Running Man’ to form a ‘super’ story. I must have had a high temperature, because even for me that story is messed up! At what point did my brain think that the addition of the hobo was necessary? And better yet, that the hobo is the devil (plot twist!)
The sad thing is, this isn’t my first creative ‘Eureka’ moment. So many dreams I have scribbled down, and only one to date as been somewhat ok- AKA not insane.
Maybe I’ll show you them another time- once I get over the embarrassment of showing you this one!

Never Wake A Sleeping Owl…


The inspiration for this blog occurred at exactly 10:13 this morning. I opened my eyes to see my mother and sister standing over my bedside- as soon as my eyes opened the torrent of abuse began…
“Wake up!”
*Rips open the curtains*
“You’re so lazy!”
“It’s past 10am- I’ve been up since 7am, and I’ve already cleaned the bathroom AND walked the dog!”
To which I reply (or more mumble in my just-woken-up delirium)
“10am? That early!?”
This is a scenario that only other night owls and I can understand.
If you are uncommon with the terms ‘owl’ and ‘lark’ (in the human sense), they are basically names for those who sleep early and rise early (larks) and those who sleep late and rise late (owls);You will come to see that I am most certainly the latter…
Larks can call us ‘lazy wasters’, but they fail to recognise that we only went to sleep at 3am this morning, while they were probably out by 11. Furthermore, we don’t stay up late because we want to, but because we are biologically determined to do so. Our nocturnal circadian rhythms force us to spend those unfatigued moonlit hours surfing the web, or finishing that essay last minute.
I think night owls have been given a bad reputation for being ‘lazy slobs’ who waste their day, and when I tell a lark that I am an owl they pity me.
But should they?
Studies suggest that night owls are wealthier and wiser than larks, being described as “innovative thinkers” who have success in later life. Famous night owls include Barrack Obama, Charles Darwin and Elvis Presley.
Granted, there are some famous larks including George W. Bush- but that’s fine, you can keep him…
President Bush quote

In short, respect the sleeping patterns of one another! I wouldn’t shake my lark mother and sister at midnight screaming “Why are you sleeping!? It’s still early!”.
So please- don’t wake us at some godforsaken hour like 10 am, because it may aswell be 5am! And after all, you wouldn’t want to see us when we’re cranky…

ictures taken from google.
They misunderestimated me- http://lbsommer-author.yolasite.com/funny-political-signs-and-quotes.php

Angry Owl is angry-http://cheezburger.com/3916038656
Featured image- http://500px.com/photo/56239332/angry-owl-by-leonardo-casadei


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